Frustration

I wrap my fingers around you.
I've longed for the feel of you in my hands; your hardness pleases me.
I caress you while I imagine the heights you'll take me.

I slide you in...
I slide you out, ever... so... slowly...
I position you... I pause...

My heart beats a bit faster. My breath catches.
I bite my lip.

I'm not quite ready.  It's been a while...

Slower... we have time.

I slide you in, and hold you there.
The seconds pass. I sense your energy - our potential...
I dare not move for fear of ruining this perfect moment.

I slide you out.
I bring you to my lips; my tongue plays with your tip and my lips barely dance across your shaft. My mind is already where we could be together.

Okay. I'm ready.

I place your tip in the proper position and slowly move with you... and with every stroke I become more excited, more alive... more me.  My passion pours out through you.
Each stroke melds us, you and I. Entangled in a divine purpose, fate brought us together.
I feel your power as you allow me to guide you. My hunger builds.

Our strokes come faster now, more powerful; raw with desire.
My mind races; my heart pounds, I grip you tighter.. I am lost in the moment with you...
The phone screams from its cradle...

...My passion evaporates; gone.

I slide you back into your cap.
I place you on our half-written page...

There will be no more writing today.

In sickness...

I ache.
I shiver.
I flush cold with fever.
I nestle my shoulder deep
into the warm cave of your armpit.
My heavy head finds soft purchase
in the valley between your shoulder and chest.
Your strong arm tenderly cradles my back.
The cadence of your breath lulls me...
I sleep.
I dream.
I heal in your love.

As the bonds of sleep release me
I slowly awaken.
Your arm morphs into my blanket.
I stir.
Your chest reveals itself as my pillow.
I rise.
My shoulder has no cave.

I feel your absence.
You exist only in my dreams.
You've yet to enter my life.

You.
The one
who'll snuggle me
...in sickness and in health.

I'm told I don't come across well.

There's a reason I seldom leave home.
There's a reason I enjoy my solitude.
There's a reason I don't get close, and keep my distance.
There's a reason...

So, don't come into my world and tell me I'm rubbing you the wrong way.
My world doesn't touch yours...
     and, I never invited you in.

You click on the bookmark
*no referring link*
so you can find something which incites you
between my words.

You love to hate me.
Me... the mother of your offspring?
The one who got away?
The reason for your failed relationships?
The reason for your failed life?
The reason you burnt your toast this morning?

You think my words are directed at you.
You anon yourself into my blog.
You cajole and you quip;
You twist and you turn and you lie
safely
warmly
snuggly
inside the blanket of a mask
you stab me with your keyboard.

You know who I am.
I'm the reason you're miserable.
I'm the reason you fight.
I'm the reason you can't sleep at night.
Me...without even trying.

I
am
just
sitting
here
putting
one
word
after
another
on
this
page...

You read the words and go berserk.
"What a moron!; What a jerk!"
"What a worthless piece of work!"

So... stop reading my blog.

I write to express, to talk, to feel...
something.
A gift I've not had access to in my non-virtual world,
as I feel my soul slowly dying...
like my skin - shriveling up and thinning; blotchy; tired

...and so very much alone; untouched.

Words I speak aloud are seldom heard;
they fall to the floor and seep into the cracks
where they cushion the soles
of the people I pick up after.

...until I put them down here
and you read them
and decide for yourself what I'm saying
and it's never pretty...

for you don't see me as pretty
you can't see me as pretty
you won't see me as pretty
...on the inside

I write for myself
I write of my feelings, my thoughts and my fears.
I don't write for you.
I don't know who you are.

Were we once friends?
Did you once care?
Because if so, I don't know you anymore...

and you most certainly don't know me,
...if you ever did.
So, stop reading my blog.

In Joy & Enjoy

.

I love it when a plan…

…..“Did you guys see th...?” I turned back to see I was standing alone in Blue’s front yard. I looked again at the sky above Grandfather’s ranch and saw nothing out of the ordinary. The snow fell silently. Except for the trail of white behind my eyelids when I closed my eyes, like an imprint of a camera flash, I would have never believed I saw anything. I ran toward Grandfather’s home.
…..I got almost completely through the field when I spotted Grandfather’s prize bull lying on the ground next to the water trough. Steam rose from its body. A strange chemical-type smell surrounded the still body of the bull.
…..“Nebesiibehe!!” I screamed through the silence. “Nebesiibehe!! Come quick! I think the bull got shocked.”
…..“What is it, Hono’ie Neeceeebi?” Grandfather emerged from the house, wiping his hands on a towel. He saw me standing next to the bull and came running toward me. He knelt down in the snow next to the bull.
…..“I haven’t seen anything like this since the summer of 1976.”
…..“Like what, Nebesiibehe?”
…..“See, here. Look where the bull is. There are no tracks, no prints leading up to this carcass. Except yours and mine. But the snow has... has poofed... yes, good word, poofed up like the bull was dropped from height of maybe two... three feet in the air. And, see, here, where the parts of bull have been surgically cut away... almost burnt, cauterized. No blood. No blood anywhere. And, he’s missing his eyes. And, his eyelashes...”
…..The white snow all around showed no signs of blood anywhere, not even under the animal. A shiver ran up my spine and I took a step back. The smell rising from the dead animal made me gag.
…..Grandfather took his Leatherman tool from his belt and opened the knife blade. He plunged it in and out of the bull’s neck easily, but no blood spilled from the wound.
…..“What does that mean, Nebesiibehe?” My hand still covered my mouth.
…..Grandfather stood up and looked into the sky, as if searching…

That was an excerpt from my chapter book, The Elementary Adventures of Buck. Want to hear more? Buy the book! hehehe (Now available at a store near you - or you can click on the Target.com link on the left of this page.) That was easy.

Now, if you find that just too out-there… read this:
http://www.chieftain.com/articles/2009/03/10/news/region/doc49b5fcf251ae5358562333.txt

(If you’re lazy, like me - It's a newspaper article from the Pueblo Chieftan dated 10 March 2009, and it starts out by saying:

TRINIDAD - A cattle rancher made a horrific and mysterious discovery Sunday when he found the carcass of one of his cattle that was missing its udders and other female parts…

...plus a lot more.)

Enjoy & In Joy

p(m)s. Hey - read my book! (please and thank you!)

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in

silence. As far as possible, without

surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and

listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant;

they too have their story.

.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

the are vexatious to the spirit. If you

compare yourself with others, you may

become vain or bitter, for always there will be

greater and lesser persons than yourself.

.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your

plans. Keep interested in your own career,

however humble; it is a real possession in the

changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution

in your business affairs, for the world is full

of trickery. But let this not blind you to what

virtue there is; many persons strive for high

ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

,

Be yourself. Especially do not feign

affection. Neither be cynical about love; for

in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in

sudden misfortune. But do not distress

yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears

are born of fatigue and loneliness.

.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle

with yourself. You are a child of the Universe

no less than the trees and stars; you have

a right to be here. And whether or not it is

clear to you, no doubt the Universe is

unfolding as it should.

.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever

you conceive Him to be. And whatever your

labors and aspirations, in the noisy

confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.

.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken

dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be careful. Strive to be happy.

.

~ Max Ehrmann