In sickness...

I ache.
I shiver.
I flush cold with fever.
I nestle my shoulder deep
into the warm cave of your armpit.
My heavy head finds soft purchase
in the valley between your shoulder and chest.
Your strong arm tenderly cradles my back.
The cadence of your breath lulls me...
I sleep.
I dream.
I heal in your love.

As the bonds of sleep release me
I slowly awaken.
Your arm morphs into my blanket.
I stir.
Your chest reveals itself as my pillow.
I rise.
My shoulder has no cave.

I feel your absence.
You exist only in my dreams.
You've yet to enter my life.

You.
The one
who'll snuggle me
...in sickness and in health.

I'm told I don't come across well.

There's a reason I seldom leave home.
There's a reason I enjoy my solitude.
There's a reason I don't get close, and keep my distance.
There's a reason...

So, don't come into my world and tell me I'm rubbing you the wrong way.
My world doesn't touch yours...
     and, I never invited you in.

You click on the bookmark
*no referring link*
so you can find something which incites you
between my words.

You love to hate me.
Me... the mother of your offspring?
The one who got away?
The reason for your failed relationships?
The reason for your failed life?
The reason you burnt your toast this morning?

You think my words are directed at you.
You anon yourself into my blog.
You cajole and you quip;
You twist and you turn and you lie
safely
warmly
snuggly
inside the blanket of a mask
you stab me with your keyboard.

You know who I am.
I'm the reason you're miserable.
I'm the reason you fight.
I'm the reason you can't sleep at night.
Me...without even trying.

I
am
just
sitting
here
putting
one
word
after
another
on
this
page...

You read the words and go berserk.
"What a moron!; What a jerk!"
"What a worthless piece of work!"

So... stop reading my blog.

I write to express, to talk, to feel...
something.
A gift I've not had access to in my non-virtual world,
as I feel my soul slowly dying...
like my skin - shriveling up and thinning; blotchy; tired

...and so very much alone; untouched.

Words I speak aloud are seldom heard;
they fall to the floor and seep into the cracks
where they cushion the soles
of the people I pick up after.

...until I put them down here
and you read them
and decide for yourself what I'm saying
and it's never pretty...

for you don't see me as pretty
you can't see me as pretty
you won't see me as pretty
...on the inside

I write for myself
I write of my feelings, my thoughts and my fears.
I don't write for you.
I don't know who you are.

Were we once friends?
Did you once care?
Because if so, I don't know you anymore...

and you most certainly don't know me,
...if you ever did.
So, stop reading my blog.

In Joy & Enjoy

.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in

silence. As far as possible, without

surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and

listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant;

they too have their story.

.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

the are vexatious to the spirit. If you

compare yourself with others, you may

become vain or bitter, for always there will be

greater and lesser persons than yourself.

.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your

plans. Keep interested in your own career,

however humble; it is a real possession in the

changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution

in your business affairs, for the world is full

of trickery. But let this not blind you to what

virtue there is; many persons strive for high

ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

,

Be yourself. Especially do not feign

affection. Neither be cynical about love; for

in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in

sudden misfortune. But do not distress

yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears

are born of fatigue and loneliness.

.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle

with yourself. You are a child of the Universe

no less than the trees and stars; you have

a right to be here. And whether or not it is

clear to you, no doubt the Universe is

unfolding as it should.

.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever

you conceive Him to be. And whatever your

labors and aspirations, in the noisy

confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.

.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken

dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be careful. Strive to be happy.

.

~ Max Ehrmann