26 June 2011

Truth In Advertising

As my walking buddy and I were on the flip-side of our trek this morning, she mentioned she forwards through fight scenes in movies. I think we were previously discussing the usage of "like" in The Elementary Adventures of Jones, JEEP, Buck & Blue, and how the first edition contained far too many "likes" to her liking.  I assured her I removed more than half of the usage of the word in the second edition. She stated although kids do tend to, like, say "like" in like every other sentence, she, like, skimmed over it in, like, my book.

"Can't skim over kids when they're talking, tho," I said.

She replied, "No. But you can slap 'em!"

That's when she said she fast-forwards (it's a verb, now) through fight scenes and violence.
I said, nodding in agreement, "I fast-forward through the love scenes, as well."

"Why? They're not so bad."

"Well... If they were more realistic, I suppose I'd watch them. Hell! I'd probably even let my daughters watch them... But, I have yet to see a realistic love scene in any movie or tv show.  You get the ones where she's gorgeously panting like a love-sick whore: 'Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, baby! YES!' and they're goin' at it for hours on end, sweat beading on his golden-brown tanned, sculpted back and buttocks in a sexy way, as if some over-paid fluffer gently mists them in mid-passion."

"Yeah?" Her eyebrows were raised, and gave me the impression she wasn't quite sure where I was going. "What's wrong with that?," she asked.

"Well, for starters, it's not even remotely real.  Our daughters are being brought up with this false expectation their boyfriend's going to woo them in the sack, all silk roses and gentle ecstasy, when it's not even close to being real sex."

"That's true, I suppose."

"Seriously. When's the last time you were in bed with your husband and you had movie sex?"

"... Never."

"Exactly!  What you do get is a lot of: 'Ow! You're on my hair!', 'Just scootch a little over to your left.', "Leg Cramp!', and 'I...can't...breathe!'.  The only time either one of you screams, 'Oh, God!', it's followed with a, 'My Back!!'."

We had to stop walking at this point, as she was doubled over in laughter.

I continued:
"You don't see any wrinkly-butted, slightly-overweight, un-tanned people... normal people, in love scenes, either. In real life, sweat doesn't bead.  It flows in sticky rivulets between the hot, pasty, sandwiched bodies, making the bed and your skin uncomfortable. Real sex is like pigs fighting over a slop bucket - someone's gonna get messy. If they showed that, our daughters wouldn't be so filled with romantic notions, and end up disappointed in bed... and they may not be as quick to end up there in the first place."

"Ha! And, they never show the look of disappointment on her face when he either finishes first, or boredom when she does.  When I had long hair, I can't remember a time when it wasn't pulled out of my scalp during sex," she said.

"And, really," I continued, "In real life, the chick would say, 'Oh Hell No, you're not going anal! Don't even think about it!'"

"Wrong hole! Wrong hole! Wrong hole!," my friend screamed, and we both laughed tears from our eyes, doubled over, clutching our sides.

When we could breathe again, she said, "Now, I'll never be able to have sex with my husband without cracking up."

"That's gonna be hard to explain," I said... "And yet another thing you never see in movie sex scenes."

In Joy & Enjoy

02 June 2011

Zombies and shopping malls

I was thinking the other day about the Zombie Apocalypse... and how it'd affect us less tasty specimens.

If you're as old as me, you remember Night of the Living Dead (the original) and Dawn of the Dead (the original).  Then, they gave us 28 Days Later (not to be confused with the Sandra Bullock movie, 28 Days), and, my personal favorite, Zombieland.  Truly a funny movie.

(The Walking Dead is pretty decent, as well.)

Dawn of the Dead fits right in with Stephen King's The Stand and Omega Man (The Last Man on Earth; I am Legend) in that a few decent souls are fighting off the less living, in body or spirit. But they do it in a shopping mall setting, or at least have unfettered access to one... if you call dodging the bite of a zombie or the crowing walking dude 'unfettered'.

As a teen, I fantasized about being the last living person in my neck of the woods, and able to 'shop' at will.  As you know, I grew up in a small town.  They opened a McDonalds right after I graduated high school. And to this day (I believe; I amn't sure), it's the only chainiest-chain-fran-chain-dise in them there parts. So, the fantasy of having a free portal to shtuff I was never around - like a mall - (much less able to afford) growing up added some glitter to the shine.

But, let's think this through, shall we?  Because, of course, we'd be the sole survivor(s)... Somehow we'd escape un-death until almost everyone else hadn't, which has some on-the-surface upsides.  Let's focus of the below-the-depths downsides, shall we?:

*  You'd lose your significant other, and this time to not just another beauty queen or Daddy Warbucks... unless blood's no longer pulsing through their zombie veins when they steal your loved-one's heart... literally.  And, then you'd be stuck with the Farmer Teds or that one loser in The Stand to keep you warm at night.

yeah... her.

*  I'd have to do the research, but just how long could one live on canned goods and dried foods before they went bad?  My luck the store in which I was holed up would be all out of these:

...and I'd have to use my zombie-splatterin' sledgehammer.

*  You'd have to be willing to kill other survivors who happen upon your new house-of-food-pantries ...and not just the pretty ones.

*  Need I say it?  No more social networking.  Wait... I said down-side, didn't I?

*  You'd have to drink alone, and the authorities warn us to not drink alone, as...

....nobody's around to laugh at your extremely funny jokes.

*  You could walk around for ages with toilet paper streaming out the back of your pants with no such luck of a clip showing up on youtube to make you a laughable legend.

*  When your phone rings, you'll ... ?  Have a mess to clean up? (thank dog for the toilet paper tail ~ head start on that disaster!)

*  And, then there's the clothing.  Sure, once the Zombie Apocalypse occurs, you'll have unfettered access to all the clothing in the mall, and could pick a different outfit every day for the rest of your life, but...

...you'd better hope we're not going thru another fashion craze like the 80s.

In Joy & Enjoy!

pass the popcorn, please!