24 May 2017

Lo & Behold


I was scanning today's paper and noticed an article on Domestic Violence.

Now, I don't consider myself a victim of anything - much less DV... but the article was interesting and kinda opened my eyes. 

What are the signs, you ask? Allow me to share:

1. Dominance ~ Abusers need to feel they're in charge of the relationship. They'll make the decisions for you (and the family). An abuser may treat you like a servant or possession.

2. Humiliation ~ An abuser will do anything possible to make you feel bad about yourself. They may think if you feel useless to others you'll not leave them. They may insult you, call you names, and embarrass you in public or at home.

3. Isolation ~ An abuser will make you dependent on him/her but cutting you off from friends, family, and the entire outside world.  They may even prevent you from going to work, school, or social activities. You may be forced to ask permission to go anywhere at anytime.

4. Threats ~ Abusers tend to use threats to keep victims from getting assistance, or getting out of the situation. An abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your family, or pets. Another common threat is suicide.

5. Intimidation ~ An abuser may use fear as intimidation to make you submissive. This fear may be brought about by intimidating looks, gestures, and destruction of property or other personal/family relationships.

6. Denial & Blame ~ Abusers are expert excuse makers. They will blame their abusive behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even the victim's actions. The abuser may make the abuse out to be less harmful than it was, or they may even deny it occurred at all.

Interesting to say the least. May I point out that these signs mirror those with narcissistic personality disorder? It makes a boat-load of sense, if you think about it.

Pretty much every guy with whom I've ever had any kind of romantic relationship embraced the above behaviors. 

So, what does that say about me? My father was a brute of a man. "They" say women always marry their father (not literally, sicko)... so, where do I go from here?  How do I know the next guy (if there is a next guy) won't turn out to be like the previous samples?

The common denominator in this equation of my life is ME.  Why is it I draw to me, or am attracted to these types of men? Do they seek me out? Do I have an invisible badge pinned to my forehead only they can see?  Even more disconcerting, I experienced this type of controlling abuse from a man who was merely my friend... and I allowed it... for over six f'ing years. WTF is wrong with me? Seriously. Why did I allow that? How do I break this destructive cycle?

Don't get me wrong. I have many wonderful male friends who are kind and caring people, so I don't really hate men... even tho I've been known to scream that sentiment from the rooftops. 

Unfortunately, it seems (so far) the worthy ones were already married, gay, or just didn't like me 'that way' ~ "Sandi, you're a good-friend-but..."  ~ or all of the above. Woe is me!   :D

I suppose it doesn't really matter as I'm merely thinking aloud... or in print. Whatever. I'm wondering if I missed the train to Conjunction Junction and am destined to remain an Independent Clause for the rest of my life.

There are worse things, I suppose.

2 comments:

YVBFITWWW said...

got a feeling this list is in in your pocket and you will NEVER enter into those waters agin--again (been here too long.)

Sandra Miller Linhart said...

hell yes!!!

pass the popcorn, please!