03 March 2012

Lonely People

I don't know how to begin this post.  It's a touchy subject - loneliness, and very subjective at that. I've been sitting here, staring at my screen ... searching for the appropriate words to describe my feelings.

You can live with someone for over a decade and be lonely almost every day of it...4748 days, each filled with hours of abject loneliness:
no kind words
all actions and decisions derided/overruled
being considered the worst possible version of yourself by the one person who's supposed to love you for better or worse.
Harshest of all, your unsaid words fall upon deaf ears; all communication is lost.

The irony - The person you lived with may have been exceedingly comfortable in the life they forged with you:
dinner on the table
kids and money managed
laundry washed, folded and put away
house clean and presentable for company
the choice to come and go as they please, with whomever they wish
And no one to question their authority...

Their life was really quite nice, I imagine.
I can see why it turned upside-down when Plain Little Mack had the audacity to burp.

But, who's to say being alone is any better?

...humming an obscure, yet popular tune from Green Day, no doubt.
There's a lady at work who's a bit older than me. She says she thinks no one is content with their lives: Those who are married wish they weren't, and those who are single wish they had a partner in life.
I think she may be on to something.

I'm not alone in my loneliness, I know that... but, knowing that doesn't ease the ache.
I look around me and see loneliness seep from the pores of people around me. I hear tales of people posting on internet dating sights, checking out people at the gym, hoping to crash their cart into someone's cart in the meat aisle of the grocery store...

Everyone's lonely at some point in their lives.

And not in just a "Man, I wish I could find someone to go to the show with" lonely - A real, heart-wrenching, going-to-bed-with-a-chasm-of-an-ache-inside-your-chest lonely... knowing your heart closed up shop years ago - the last time you had the audacity to burp.

That last guy... the last guy... took a toll on your heart (and self-esteem) you're not willing to accept, and unable to not accept because anything else is just too painful. And, if you give love just one more try (tm), and it turns out like the last dozen tries, you may not recover.

This time will never be a 'this time' because you have no more 'next time's left in you.

Your cup is not only empty, it's got the calcified, chalk-like dust caked in the bottom.
Your heart, quite frankly, can't afford another 'this time'.

And yet, as lonely as you feel you are, and as much as you know you're not alone in the warehouse of lonely people...

We're all wandering around in our loneliness bubbles, unable and unwilling to reach out to our warehouse mates because the only thing worse than being hurt by love or being lonely, is being psuedo-stalked by someone who's taken an interest in you, whom you find totally outside the realm of your criteria ...even though that particular list has dwindled over the years from fourscore, non-negotiable items down to "kind, generous and mentally stable."

...for how can you claim true loneliness when someone is reaching out to you with gifts and candy?
I like being alone, for the most part. I like my select group of friends. I adore spending my time in the mountains, writing my books, drawing and other various forms of artsy-fartsy projects. I'm satisfied with my life... as I said, for the most part.

But when the lights go out and my blankets refuse to snuggle, the loneliness creeps back in from under my closed bedroom door and crawls silently into bed with me... my heart sings the sad lullaby of a sorrowful tune.

...and then, I think of how nice it is to not have those same blankets pulled over my head after he farts in bed.

In Joy & Enjoy

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pass the popcorn, please!