02 June 2011

Zombies and shopping malls

I was thinking the other day about the Zombie Apocalypse... and how it'd affect us less tasty specimens.

If you're as old as me, you remember Night of the Living Dead (the original) and Dawn of the Dead (the original).  Then, they gave us 28 Days Later (not to be confused with the Sandra Bullock movie, 28 Days), and, my personal favorite, Zombieland.  Truly a funny movie.

(The Walking Dead is pretty decent, as well.)

Dawn of the Dead fits right in with Stephen King's The Stand and Omega Man (The Last Man on Earth; I am Legend) in that a few decent souls are fighting off the less living, in body or spirit. But they do it in a shopping mall setting, or at least have unfettered access to one... if you call dodging the bite of a zombie or the crowing walking dude 'unfettered'.

As a teen, I fantasized about being the last living person in my neck of the woods, and able to 'shop' at will.  As you know, I grew up in a small town.  They opened a McDonalds right after I graduated high school. And to this day (I believe; I amn't sure), it's the only chainiest-chain-fran-chain-dise in them there parts. So, the fantasy of having a free portal to shtuff I was never around - like a mall - (much less able to afford) growing up added some glitter to the shine.

But, let's think this through, shall we?  Because, of course, we'd be the sole survivor(s)... Somehow we'd escape un-death until almost everyone else hadn't, which has some on-the-surface upsides.  Let's focus of the below-the-depths downsides, shall we?:

*  You'd lose your significant other, and this time to not just another beauty queen or Daddy Warbucks... unless blood's no longer pulsing through their zombie veins when they steal your loved-one's heart... literally.  And, then you'd be stuck with the Farmer Teds or that one loser in The Stand to keep you warm at night.

yeah... her.

*  I'd have to do the research, but just how long could one live on canned goods and dried foods before they went bad?  My luck the store in which I was holed up would be all out of these:

...and I'd have to use my zombie-splatterin' sledgehammer.

*  You'd have to be willing to kill other survivors who happen upon your new house-of-food-pantries ...and not just the pretty ones.

*  Need I say it?  No more social networking.  Wait... I said down-side, didn't I?

*  You'd have to drink alone, and the authorities warn us to not drink alone, as...

....nobody's around to laugh at your extremely funny jokes.

*  You could walk around for ages with toilet paper streaming out the back of your pants with no such luck of a clip showing up on youtube to make you a laughable legend.

*  When your phone rings, you'll ... ?  Have a mess to clean up? (thank dog for the toilet paper tail ~ head start on that disaster!)

*  And, then there's the clothing.  Sure, once the Zombie Apocalypse occurs, you'll have unfettered access to all the clothing in the mall, and could pick a different outfit every day for the rest of your life, but...

...you'd better hope we're not going thru another fashion craze like the 80s.

In Joy & Enjoy!

No comments:

pass the popcorn, please!