26 June 2011

Truth In Advertising

As my walking buddy and I were on the flip-side of our trek this morning, she mentioned she forwards through fight scenes in movies. I think we were previously discussing the usage of "like" in The Elementary Adventures of Jones, JEEP, Buck & Blue, and how the first edition contained far too many "likes" to her liking.  I assured her I removed more than half of the usage of the word in the second edition. She stated although kids do tend to, like, say "like" in like every other sentence, she, like, skimmed over it in, like, my book.

"Can't skim over kids when they're talking, tho," I said.

She replied, "No. But you can slap 'em!"

That's when she said she fast-forwards (it's a verb, now) through fight scenes and violence.
I said, nodding in agreement, "I fast-forward through the love scenes, as well."

"Why? They're not so bad."

"Well... If they were more realistic, I suppose I'd watch them. Hell! I'd probably even let my daughters watch them... But, I have yet to see a realistic love scene in any movie or tv show.  You get the ones where she's gorgeously panting like a love-sick whore: 'Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, baby! YES!' and they're goin' at it for hours on end, sweat beading on his golden-brown tanned, sculpted back and buttocks in a sexy way, as if some over-paid fluffer gently mists them in mid-passion."

"Yeah?" Her eyebrows were raised, and gave me the impression she wasn't quite sure where I was going. "What's wrong with that?," she asked.

"Well, for starters, it's not even remotely real.  Our daughters are being brought up with this false expectation their boyfriend's going to woo them in the sack, all silk roses and gentle ecstasy, when it's not even close to being real sex."

"That's true, I suppose."

"Seriously. When's the last time you were in bed with your husband and you had movie sex?"

"... Never."

"Exactly!  What you do get is a lot of: 'Ow! You're on my hair!', 'Just scootch a little over to your left.', "Leg Cramp!', and 'I...can't...breathe!'.  The only time either one of you screams, 'Oh, God!', it's followed with a, 'My Back!!'."

We had to stop walking at this point, as she was doubled over in laughter.

I continued:
"You don't see any wrinkly-butted, slightly-overweight, un-tanned people... normal people, in love scenes, either. In real life, sweat doesn't bead.  It flows in sticky rivulets between the hot, pasty, sandwiched bodies, making the bed and your skin uncomfortable. Real sex is like pigs fighting over a slop bucket - someone's gonna get messy. If they showed that, our daughters wouldn't be so filled with romantic notions, and end up disappointed in bed... and they may not be as quick to end up there in the first place."

"Ha! And, they never show the look of disappointment on her face when he either finishes first, or boredom when she does.  When I had long hair, I can't remember a time when it wasn't pulled out of my scalp during sex," she said.

"And, really," I continued, "In real life, the chick would say, 'Oh Hell No, you're not going anal! Don't even think about it!'"

"Wrong hole! Wrong hole! Wrong hole!," my friend screamed, and we both laughed tears from our eyes, doubled over, clutching our sides.

When we could breathe again, she said, "Now, I'll never be able to have sex with my husband without cracking up."

"That's gonna be hard to explain," I said... "And yet another thing you never see in movie sex scenes."

In Joy & Enjoy


cell92 said...

Amusing story – I had a good giggle reading this. Thank you for sharing.

Have a Happy 4th of July tomorrow.

Petra Rauschert

Sandra Miller Linhart said...

Thanks, Petra.

We were laughing so hard, we almost didn't make it down the mountain.

I hope to. It ought to be a scorcher out there tomorrow.

jan desmond said...

Sandi! Its been a long time since I had a chance to catch up on your blogging, so with that said, I almost wet my pants giggling over this one! I agree you should blog like no one is reading, and collecting stuff we don't need...GUILTY! Than you for sharing!

Sandra Miller Linhart said...

You're very welcome, Jan.

I've not been able to write here much lately - trying to accomplish other things. I think the days are getting shorter. I have no proof.

Thanks for reading!

pass the popcorn, please!