29 April 2008

Dear Mr. Stephen King:

First, I hope you and Tabitha are well. Forgive my intrusion into your life, but I have some questions regarding publishers. I considered mailing this to your home, but concluded the chances of you getting it are as remote as you reading my blog.

So… when you were an up-and-coming writer, did you have to submit the first chapter of Carrie or The Shining on bright, white paper; double-spaced with one-inch borders with your name and title of the book in the header, along with the page number? Were you required to use only Times Roman or Courier font at 10-12 pts?

Did you have to write a catching, all-consuming synopsis of the story for the remaining chapters of your book which (amazingly) fit on one page? Were you also required to place in one cover sheet your accolades, your education, the reason why you wrote the book, why you think there’s a need for said book, how many other books like yours are out there and why yours is different, and how much you’d be willing to kiss the a$$ of the publisher if they took your book seriously?

And then, after winning The Dixie Lee Connor Award for the best children’s or Young Adult Manuscript at the 2005 Harriette Austin Writers Conference in Atlanta, Georgia and an agent swooped in to represent you – did that same agent rape your words and make you change your story/story line no less than 40 times before Ann Schwartz of Random House Children’s Books got so fed up with your agent’s antics she threw in the towel and you found yourself adrift on a desert island… again… without a publisher… without an agent… ?

Oh, wait, that was me…

I’ve considered getting on stage, wearing a cone bra and gyrating to songs professing my virginity… becoming famous for my boobs, then writing a children’s book (after my SEX book goes national)… maybe then the publishers would notice me.

Unfortunately, I sing as well as Madonna writes…

I’ve been picked up for seven of my children’s books by an independent publisher, but I’m beginning to wonder if I'm doing this correctly. I’m a babe in this ink-eat-page world, and although it may sound as I am bitter…. I’m not. Just in need of some guidance, and to know I’m not alone in this writing world.

I’m sure you’ve gone through all this. I remember hearing you speak at the Children’s Literacy Center’s sponsored reading of Insomnia in Colorado Springs. You said you covered your wall with rejection slips. I know exactly how you feel. I hear Dr. Suess was rejected numerous times before he was picked up by a publisher, and that knowledge gave me hope until I heard (don’t know if it’s true) he only got published after he took the job of editor in said publishing house and published his own books… then, of course, JK Rowling’s story – which gives hope as well… like a band-aid applied to a severed arm.

Oh well, I don’t think you can help me, but it’s been cathartic just writing it all down. Thank you for your time. You’re one of my favorite travel agents. I appreciate your skill and talent for transporting me to another place, another time, and a different life with the stroke of your pen. Maybe someday I can return the favor. Thank you again.

Enjoy & In Joy

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pass the popcorn, please!