12 April 2008

And nothing but

I find these truths to be self-evident:

1. The pizza won’t cook unless and until you actually put it inside the oven. All the pre-heating (sorry, James - heating) aside, eventually you have to remember to put it in there.

2. The pizza will burn if you forget to remove it from the oven. I promise.

3. Kids won’t eat burnt pizza… unless you tell them they can’t. (So, tell them they can’t, already. Problem solved.)

4. No matter how many times you tell them, your kids will never remember how to put a new roll on the toilet paper dispenser, or just how much toilet paper is ‘enough’ already.

5. The phone will always ring… or your nosy neighbor will walk right in the second you sit down on the toilet seat, or step naked into the bathtub… unless you plan ahead and take the phone with you, and lock the front door beforehand, that is.

6. The day you plan an unbelievably fun activity (outside the realm of being a Mom), school will be closed, or on delayed start due to nasty weather or disaster, or your child will wake up with a fever.

7. The paint/nail polish/varnish/glue won’t dry until and unless you touch it to see if it’s dried yet, only to leave a nice smear or fingerprint, and you’ll never be able to convince your children to not test this theory.

8. No matter what you do for your adult children; no matter how much money you’ve already given them for rent/car payment/college – they’ll never remember not paying you back and insist it was their sister, not they, who borrowed last time and “can you please lend me some money since you ALWAYS lend her some” in a you’ve-always-loved-her-more kind of way. (Don’t worry, you’ll get paid back when your grandchildren borrow from them and ‘forget’ all about it.) If you have viable proof of said loan, you’ll get the “do you have to remind me and make me feel like crap when I’m already stressed enough?” speech.

9. No matter what kind of Mother you are, you will always be blamed for their woes and hardships; they all end up in some kind of counseling session complaining of your lacks and mistakes… I guarantee, if Mother Theresa had a daughter, she’d end up in counseling, too. Make no mistake about it. So, you may as well suck at being a Mom, 'cuz you’re gonna get blamed for everything anyway.

10. No matter what you teach your children about the evils of cigarettes and drugs and alcohol, they’ll listen to their friends before they even see your lips move. If their friends are ‘into’ it – they will be, too. Get over it and hope they come out of the ‘stupid tunnel’ before the light at the end of it turns out to be an on-coming, fast-moving train. Repeat after me: “This, too, shall pass.”

11. The exact moment you shampoo the carpet or mop the floor, little Susie (or one of her friends) has fat-finger-freddy disease and spills her cherry kool-aid… but, she can’t just spill it. No! She actually tries to catch the falling cup (bless her heart) and instead catapults the cup into the wall, successfully spreading red, sticky mess from wall to wall, and half-way up. Surprise! (Where’s that person with the boobs? Clean-up in aisle four, oh-mighty-boobed person - the only person alive who knows how to hold the mop just right…)

12. There are more truths, but the truth is my men-o-pause-al brain forgot the rest. I guess I’ll just update as needed.

Thanks for playing.
Enjoy the ride,
S

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pass the popcorn, please!