22 January 2008

One of your 5


I know I’m one of your five.
I figured it out about ten years ago when you got a computer and online savvy.

You send me an email weekly (at least) telling me if I don’t send it on to five (more is better) of my favorite people all hell will break loose. But it’s okay because “God” or Nieman Marcus sent it to you apparently, and you just want to ensure I’ll receive the money, hopes, answered prayers and cookie recipes promised in said email by sending it on.

Well, I’m here to tell you I fell for that the first five years and, like a moron, sent it on to my fav five, plus back to you as instructed… and just like the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes claim I won 5 bazillion bucks … nothing happened.

At least I don’t think so.

Maybe I’ve been staying alive only because of those chain-emails. Or, maybe I’m still alive as punishment for not sending them on. Maybe I was supposed to meet my maker and exist in blissful immortality picking silver fruits from gold trees in the kingdom of heaven. (What does one do with a silver fruit in heaven anyway?)

Anyway: Thank You.
Your emails saved my life …or kept me from dying. Either way, I am none the wiser.

Send them to me if you must. I will destroy them in my inbox and steady myself for the eventual apocalypse from my actions/inactions

(I live on the edge.)

2 comments:

James A. Bowders said...

Well! If getting junk mail wasn’t bad enough. If I could reclaim the small amount of time that I loss each and every day I sit down at my computer and find gobs and gobs of junk email filling my inboxes. If not reclaim that time be paid for it. Yes, that is right; how about as a user I have the right to construct a binding contract for my email, wait, read it out. A user agreement much like the EULA you know the End User Licenses Agreement the legal disclaimer that comes from all the software writes and/or service providers dismissing them of any legal obligation to you for any issue that may arise from the use of their software. The one that put all the responsibility on you the user and none on them the provider, so that if for some reason the use of their software melts your hard drive or burn out your CPU they are not responsible and that if for any reason you use their software for anything other than what it was intended, you are subject to massive fines and most likely having to paint someone’s garage wearing a dress and open toe shows. Not really a problem unless you are a big burly high school football star that has questions about his masculinity so you use discrimination and treats of violence to cover your self questioning sexuality. Sorry I transgress…The point is I have one of these handy dandy little CYOA documents on my computers so for any reason I have someone bombard me with a subversive software package that installs on my system without my expressed consent they automatically agree to the terms of my EULA and this my dear folk falls into the category of monetary compensation for their actions.

Let’s make junk email senders pay for their constant theft of your personal resources, the most valuable of mine is time. I may be easy but I am not cheap. In accordance with my email EULA none solicited email senders must remit to me the fee of $100.00 per occurrence, additionally they are required to pay a storage fee, Hard Drive space don’t come free either lets say $10.00 per kb. Then there is the Handling fee that is the cumulative time it takes to deal with their email accordingly, in most cases deleting without even the courtesy of reading the subject line. I will charge my going rate of $150.00 an hour but like your Doctor I charge on a 50 minute hour. These are just the base fees those eager little junk email spammers would incur. The real money would result in any email that relates to any form of Male Enhancement, the Jack Pot $1000.00 per character in the correspondence.

Now to address the friend or family member who constantly bombards you with email forwards, the e-chain letters, I say E-nough! What do I have in store for them? Well, lets just say I have a garage and I have some paint, you may want to bring your own dress…

But what do I know?

Sandra Miller Linhart said...

Oddly enough, your posting showed up in my screened mail folder... along with a personal invitation for me to try Viagra and a bunch from people who don't know who they are, where they're from and what they want... you know the group ?????, from ????? with the subject line ?????
How in the hell did they find their computer's on switch ?????

What? You're not willing to share one of your dresses? Can we say stingy?

And, what am I going to do with Viagra? Does it work on plants? I have a cactus which could use some... oh, never mind.

???????

pass the popcorn, please!