Long Arm

...
I believe I told you the unbelievable story of how the-PollyAnna-of-driving got a non-stopping ticket?

I'd stopped on the corner of a four-way stop, waited for the car to my left to go (as they had the right-of-way) and then proceeded to turn right at the intersection.  Officer Jeffner pulled me over three or four blocks down, fully admitting to me he saw the truck in front of me stop, and the car to the left of me stop, but he felt I'd not quite come to his definition of a "Complete and Total(tm)" stop before proceeding into the intersection... (oh, my kingdom for a tape recorder).

Well, the other day I had to go to court for said no-tickee-no-shirtee. The '70s-era-mustached officer who'd presented me with my first ever municipal vehicle violation was present in court, wearing the uniform of his gang.

Everyone(tm) had told me the ADA would meet with me beforehand to broach some kind of deal. An old-young spindly man with beady eyes, soft spine and a weak chin... my mind played with the moniker 'weasel' a bit before it settled on 'Ichabod Crane'...

...yeah... this guy!

...not this one... (but, may I say, 'Yummy!'?)

...approached me, alright, and invited me to join him in a small room.  And, without so much as a kind "kiss off," told me court would presume after a brief intermission. [insert Jeopardy(tm) music here]

And that's all he said. No offers, no smiles... In fact, he acted as though it pained him to shake my diseased hand.  ...and I was even extremely gentle with my offered hand; more so when the effeminate gentle-man took it.

I bet I could've taken him.

I believe he called me into the little room with five chairs and two doors to give the appearance of some kind of token of cooperation solely for the judge's benefit.

When court was called into session, Officer Jeffner stood before the judge, raised his right hand solemnly and swore to tell the truth, the WHOLE truth, and nothing but the truth, so help him God... and sat his happy ass down in the witness seat... and proceeded to do nothing of the sort.

One of our city's finest relayed to the judge how I "followed the white utility truck in front of me" through the stop sign, without the slightest of hesitations, and in a school zone, to boot! Damn my hide!!!  Further stating from his vantage point he witnessed no car to my left, nor did he recall any conversation with me regarding the incident.

Now, I admit. I am more than a tad naive. I thought officers of the law were sworn to uphold the law, and not telling the whole truth under oath is, like, against the law... isn't it?  I guess the rules have changed since I was that idiot child, idolizing the likes of Jack Friday on any given afternoon, who only ever wanted "just the facts, Ma'am," or Pete Malloy and Jim Reed ...

...one, adam, twelve. one, adam, twelve. See the man...

Well, Officer Jeffner is no Jack Friday, and not even close to being a Reed or Malloy, in my opinion.

I was ultimately found guilty of non-stoppage, fined $125 and my license was relieved of four heavy points I'd been lugging around for almost half a century. The judge stated since there was no proof and no evidence on either side (just my word against Officer Jeffner's), he ruled the officer's word was enough evidence for the court... twixt I thought, "Then, why even have this charade of a court?"

At the end, the judge asked if I had anything to say.  Thoughts and words floated around and lined up inside my head  like Europeans in an effort to be heard first. I'd wanted to say in my 20+ years of being associated with some of the most brave men and women of the US Armed Forces, and seeing the integrity and honesty shine through in many of these people, I was appalled and astounded to witness first-hand an officer of the law have so little respect for it.  I'd meant to say I wasn't sure if the police force from which he'd recently come, or ours taught him his skills of misrepresentation and court-induced faulty memory.  In fact, with his intermittent inability to recall events and conversations upon taking the stand, I'd wanted to add his superiors may find him to be a substantial liability to the police force.  I'd meant to say I found the entire fiasco of the so-called fair system of "innocent until proven guilty" justice unconscionable and unbelievable.

What came out of my mouth was something like, "I... military... integrity... Un-believable!"

Yeah. Because I suck. Big time!

You see... they had me at a disadvantage.  Not only have I never been in traffic court in my life in any of the five states in which I've lived (so I seriously had no clue as to what I was getting into), I wasn't aware my past, pristine driving record wouldn't be admissible in court, nor did I realize I will always come across as an idiot under pressure... I had no idea when Mr. Officer Jeffner raised his long arm of the law and SWORE TO HIS GOD to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing butt...

...apparently he'd crossed his fingers behind his back. And that makes it okay.

I may have lost my case, but I feel I won the war.

...for, with the exception of the court stenographer, I believe I was the only soul who walked out of that courtroom with my integrity intact... still a blithering idiot, mind you, but integrity intact just the same.

In Joy & Enjoy